II Hezekiah 18:24-36
And then King Hezekiah spoke, saying,
“Cleanliness is next to godliness!”
And the anthropomorphic cucumber responded,
“But hear your servant; money is the root of all evil.”
The king's face was downcast. “You mean the
love of money?”
“No,” replied the cucumber. “Money itself.
I heard that...somewhere.”
The king answered and said unto him, “Is it
not written, ‘To err is human; to forgive
divine?’ And ‘be in the world, not of it’?”
“Um, yes,” replied the cucumber.
“Yes what? Yes, it's written?”
“No. I meant yes, it isn't written.
You said ‘Is it not written.’”
“Argh!” The king spat. “That's not what I
meant! I'm losing my patience with you.”
“Hey! Patience is a virtue*. Besides, God
won't put more on you than you can
Hezekiah looked upon the cucumber and found
that his countenance was delicious. “God
helps those who help themselves,” he said.
“How can I help myself?”
“Simple,” said the cucumber. “To thine own self be true. Let your conscience be your
* “Patience is a virtue” may not appear as such in the Bible, but my main man Thomas Aquinas wrote a whole section on the concept in his Summa Theologica.